understanding your grieving process

MENTAL HEALTH

Dec 13

the quiet companion

*this post is all about 5 types of grief.

grief is a quiet companion. it waits for you to wake up and lingers as the sun sets and the day ends. it accompanies you every single day, demanding to be seen, heard, and felt.

we grieve for many reasons. whether physical or symbolic, the loss comes in many forms and at varying degrees. a change of environment, the end of a meaningful role, the dismantling of identity, an abrupt transition, instability, the postponement of hope, or any other traumatic experience can cause or trigger a sense of grief. and our responses to these events differ.

“the worst loss is always yours.” anonymous

i entered into a relationship with grief long before i realized it. i was mourning the end of many things. going from one loss to another, unable to gain traction and not having space or energy to sift through it all. so i carried the past into the present, everything merging. aiming to protect myself from future losses and hurt, i changed the way i functioned. adapting to the absences, but still unable to heal from them. everything felt so permanent. i couldn’t come to terms with reality, one that looked different from how i expected. the grief became my new normal, but it didn’t have permission to heal. that right there is cumulative grief.

the depth of your loss reflects the intensity of your pain, and each one has to be grieved separately. it’s a tiresome task to acknowledge how deeply you cared about or hoped for something. bereavement, grieving that occurs after the loss, is messy—it’s complicated, and there is no right way to do it. but if those series of losses are not given the attention they need, you’re unable to heal fully. how do you work through your deep-rooted emotions? where do you even begin?

awareness. most people don’t even realize that they’re grieving; and healing can’t occur unless there is first the awareness of its need. here are some types of grief that might describe your connection with this quiet companion:

complicated grief

it’s powerful, and it’s overwhelming. it endures over a continuing period. the feelings leave you stuck, unable to process and heal from the loss in an effective way. the constant suffering leaves you feeling unresolved. you may reject the painful emotions or attempt to shift out of them as quickly as possible. but that is a temporary fix that has lasting effects. some compartmentalize their losses to get through each moment, each hour, and each day. this grief differs from what’s expected. you may feel like you have to experience these overwhelming feelings alone.

delayed grief

delayed grief comes when you least expect it, arising with tremendous force. it’s messy and uncomfortable. when you first experience a loss, you may fill your day with distractions or put off your emotions to take care of more pressing issues. or, you suppress the pain out of fear, being unsure of how it will manifest. some don’t even realize that they’re grieving or don’t understand the extent of their pain. whatever the reason may be, when you ignore painful feelings, you’re unable to mourn the loss and make peace with your new reality. the emotions get buried, but you still feel their effect, whether or not you’re aware of it. when you suppress and numb the sadness, you also suppress and dull the joy. as the old saying goes, “if you don’t feel it, you can’t heal it.”

disenfranchised grief

culture plays a significant part in how you understand and deal with grief. these external factors shape your expectations of loss. whether real or imagined, you may feel that there is a certain way to mourn or don’t have the right to do so. your environment may not allow you to express or process your grief in an authentic way for many reasons. your grief process may feel judged since people’s perception and experience of loss differs. it could also be misunderstood or minimized. because of this, expressing your grief in an honest way may seem unsafe. you might feel pressure to find the “meaning” of the loss, thus overshadowing your pain. when your feelings aren’t validated, it becomes difficult to know how or when to expose your feelings. so you isolate and withdraw, which can hinder your emotional development. instead of allowing yourself to feel the spectrum of your emotions, you mask them. you think it will help you function or make others feel more comfortable.

anticipatory grief

witnessing someone or something meaningful to you slip away is painful. normality disappears, leaving behind an intense awareness of how powerless you are. unsure of when the end will come, your sensitivity heightens and leaves you exhausted. unexpected feelings and reactions surface as you prepare for the impending loss. so you grieve. thoughts swirl around in your mind as you consider the hows, whats, and whys. imagining what life will be like can leave you rooted in fear. you may put your life on hold as you brace for the unknown. as you enter the grieving process, you may also withdraw and isolate yourself. the uncertainty of it all takes its toll and manifests in a variety of ways. but your feelings can help you prepare for what’s coming. they can help you make beneficial choices as you mourn the loss of the future you had envisioned.

secondary loss

this physical or psychological loss is a part of every grief process. it’s when you experience a loss because of another loss. the aftermath. the ripple effect that affects various aspects of your life. since the process is not linear, the changes that occur can be unexpected. they can leave you feeling unprepared for what’s ahead. when you lose someone or something meaningful, you may also lose the following:

security (familiarity, safety, lifestyle)
relationships (role, relatability, trust)
self (identity, dreams, direction, independence, faith)
something else related to the loss

it occurs over time, and the extent of the repercussions may surprise you. it might catch you off guard, and your reaction may be unpredictable. they can even heighten the pain of the initial loss. these losses have to be acknowledged. they must be validated and worked through individually.

ways to deal with the discomfort

although grief is unforeseeable and unavoidable, there are ways to cope. you don’t have to navigate this unknown territory alone. it may not look or feel like how you expected it to, and that’s okay because the process isn’t linear. but, allow yourself to express your full range of emotions honestly and openly. there are healthy ways you can unpack and deal with discomforting events in your life. there’s room for healing, and there's room for progress—grow through it. here are a few ways to support yourself:

notice and validate your emotions