frani beard on finding yourself again
name | frani beard
affirm your identity | i’m a poet, illustrator, and curator of beautiful things. i celebrate the interconnectedness of life.
on your must-read list | the body keeps the score by bessel van der kolk
song currently fueling your soul | punisher by phoebe bridgers
current inspiration | sophia roe, yasmine cheyenne, and minaa b.
COMMUNITY CARE
what does community mean to you, and how has it guided and informed your journey of self-discovery?
this has been a tremendous growing season for me. last summer, i had a few realizations about myself and how i interact with others. i was letting myself down and betraying myself in relationships by not knowing anything about myself. i was what everyone else wanted me to be to keep harmony and peace in my relationships. ultimately, that was exhausting me. this year has been a journey in figuring out who i am, what i like, and what makes me happy. i grew up around very dominant people and married a very headstrong person. when i say i don’t know what i like, it’s almost shocking because the people i’m always around are very opinionated. they aren’t scared to talk about what they think. in some ways, they were inspirational because i wanted to be that kind of bold person. but i always felt there wasn’t space or room for me to be anything but small. i’ve been unpacking what it means to show up fully as i am and be unapologetically myself. that’s where i’m at with many of the things i create—that’s a lot of where it comes from.
SPIRITUAL CARE
you said, “my voice isn’t as small as it once was. i’m not as small as i once was.” how has trust played a role in this discovery?
this is a theme in a lot of my work, this idea of feeling muffled. for me, it’s self-trust. i grew up in environments where i had to look outside of myself to know what was right and wrong. i didn’t trust myself. i didn’t trust what my body was telling me, and i didn’t trust my intuition. things would come up where i felt like i should speak up, but i didn’t because how you’re raised is how you show up in the world. i started noticing it in many jobs i had, and in communities i was a part of. they were the same environments as i grew up in, where i didn’t feel it was safe for me to speak up. i was repeating those patterns in other situations, and so a big part of me using my voice is through my writing. there’s a lot of confusion in trying to decipher my voice and the voice of everyone around me.
through writing, i’ve been able to hear my authentic voice come out. there are certain things that i share now that i’m unsure of. there’s still a lot of fear i have to move through to use my voice and talk about the things i’ve experienced. but i always find that when i end up sharing something, someone will show up and say that’s what they needed to hear at that moment. when you finally start speaking about your life, that similar energy, that same wave of light will come in because you attract the right people to yourself.
but to show up and have a voice, i first had to know what it felt like to be small. i wish that i could only have the good stuff and always show up with the good. but that removes so much of the depth. if we can look back at the harmful things we’ve experienced and see how they formed us, we can now say, “i don’t need this anymore.” i will not let this fester. i’m going to let it be burned.
how has recognizing that your feelings are your strength guided you along your journey?
my feelings are my companions and my teachers. especially the emotions i wasn’t allowed to feel growing up. whether spoken or unspoken, it was apparent to me which emotions were negative and which emotions were positive. i no longer see feelings as bad or good. i see them as energy—what they are trying to communicate. now that i’m older, i’ve learned that sadness teaches me something about what i want, and anger lets me know something isn’t right for me, and jealousy reminds me i have things i desire. so i need to listen to them instead of pinning them as bad emotions. i need to hear them out and learn to nurture them more. so when i say that my feelings are my strength, it’s because they give me insight into my inner world. when i see them in other people, they’re no longer scary to me. they’re a form of communication. you can tell where people are hurting by how they respond to things.
i’ve recently noticed that emotional addiction is where your body and nervous system crave a particular emotional experience. i saw this in myself, where i was revisiting specific traumatic experiences in my life. as i heal and make sense of my life, my body is so used to the discomfort and tumultuous environments that when things are calm, i think something must be wrong, and i have to find it. if i can’t find it, i’ll make it. in those moments, i have to address that. it’s okay for things to be mundane. everyday routines are great. calm waters are good, you know. you don’t have to wait for the shoe to drop so you can have something going on in your life to fix. i have more peaceful moments in my life than i have ever had now that i’ve sorted through this.
PHYSICAL CARE
how are you learning to let go of statements that taught you you were different, and how has that affected the way you view yourself and the body you’re in?
i used to think no one would take me seriously when talking about racial issues because i’m light-skinned and mixed. but at what point do you say, “i don’t need you to validate my experience.” i need to know in myself my history and the pain that i carry in my body. there will always be people you don’t belong with, and that’s okay. you have to find where it’s safe for you to exist entirely, that’s where you need to be. i found that the space i belong to is with myself. anywhere i am is where i belong. my body is my home. my body is that space. when i spend time with myself and take care of myself, it gives me the freedom to do that for others. self-healing brings community healing. so when i have mixed up feelings and am processing the mixed messages i received growing up about where i fit, where i don’t fit, how to conform, and how to assimilate, i don’t have to allow that confusion to fester. i can take that and unpack it as much as i want. but when i come back to the present moment, i know that i belong to myself.
you don’t have to sit in that just to be informed; you can step back and be with yourself. you don’t have to pick a side all the time. you don’t have to verbalize which side you’re on. you can process things, and that’s the strength of all of this. there’s so much information, but you always need to check back in with your intuition. when you’re reading about something, are you breathing? ask yourself why you’re gathering all this information. is it so you can have that argument with that one family member? do you feel you have to do it for the sake of everyone else? the information is out there. if people want to change, if they’re going to soften and listen to other people’s stories, they will. if people don’t want to, then it’s up to you to protect your energy. it’s up to you to conserve that and recharge. find the spaces that will hear you and the people who want to learn from you. i started to sit with all of it and stopped trying to prove to the world that i’m black enough. i know who i am, and i have people who are listening. so i will speak the things i know, and i will share the things i’m going through.
what limiting beliefs have you learned to let go of to re-learn body autonomy?
i don’t belong to myself, and i have to look outside of myself for my identity. when i discovered that the truth is my body is my own, i began to realize where i end and where others begin. this was about a year ago. starting my journey with setting healthy boundaries was much like a child learning how to ask for what they need. there was no tactful way for me to go about it because i had never seemed to use the muscles my mouth needed to form the word ‘no’ or ‘i don’t want to do that’ and ‘i don’t like that.’ i was out of practice.
the child doesn’t emerge from the womb with manners and polite speech: “mother, may i please have a glass of sparkling water with a lemon wedge?” they realize a need and shout, “i want water!” maybe one day i’ll develop out of that stage and not steamroll so many people with my new found preferences.
SELF-CARE
how has self-examination helped you cultivate self-love?
i used to feel a lot of pressure to be helpful in my words, but i’ve noticed that people don’t need what i have to say as much as they need my presence. sometimes you need to listen. there are moments when i was open and vulnerable and feeling raw. i wasn’t asking for help as much as i was asking to be heard. for me, i often need to be told i hear you. i’ve gathered many skills in knowing when i should speak and when i should affirm someone and not feel the need to fix things at the moment. i’ve started journaling in the moments when someone meets me with something that didn’t comfort me. i’ve taken the role of comforter, so i’ll write out what i needed to hear, and then i’ll write all the things i wish that person had told me at that moment. then i’ll speak them to myself. people are coming at you with their own experiences, childhood wounds, and ways of managing their emotions. it will often come out when trying to control someone else’s big feelings. you can’t expect people to understand how to help you all the time. that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about you. it’s just that you’ve never taught them, so they’ve never learned how to do that. so in those moments, i don’t hold it against anybody anymore. i think there’s a level of you comforting yourself, and then once you know how to comfort yourself, you can teach others what you need in heavy moments. that’s been an enormous growth point for me.
you said, “you’re waiting for something to grow tall to shoot out from cold earth, but first, it must be deep. first, it must be wide. then it can be tall. then it can stretch out its branches without the top-heavy creatures bringing it down.” what does this mean to you in your journey of self-discovery?
i started a garden in my backyard this year. there’s so much wisdom in watching things grow or die in my case. oops. i’ve learned a lot from my garden in so many ways. since we’re all connected to nature, i see myself in it. i think that’s been lost for many people—the idea that they’re interconnected. they’re a part of it all. it’s not so much about having control over your environment as much as it is about you being in this symbiotic relationship with it. our current social climate is so polarizing on the internet. if you say nothing, people question why you said nothing. but if you show up wrong, then you’re canceled. if you have a more nuanced opinion and see both sides to what’s going on, you don’t know how because the environment is so polarized. sometimes, showing up doesn’t look like being the loudest, most dominant voice. sometimes showing up is small. that’s something i’ve started coming to terms with. apart from just sharing my experience and being present with the people around me, allowing space for people to sort through what they’re feeling is so important to me.
the ambiguity of it all, and how multi-faceted i think many arguments can be, is like gardening. as you dig, you see that it’s not just one stem going down into the earth. it’s connected to so many other stems. it might be wrapped into another plant. so if you uproot an idea too soon and you don’t let it take its full form, you’re going to kill the beauty that’s around it. it’s this idea of the wheat in the chaff. it’s a biblical concept. as i’ve gotten older, i realize that it’s connected to the present moment. the beautiful and the good things grow right next to the harmful things in your life. if you pull out the bad all the time, you might uproot the good too. so i take that to heart.
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*this conversation is about finding your authentic self.
